


Faithful and Just

by chappedlipsfingertips



Category: The Handmaid's Tale (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-01
Updated: 2019-03-01
Packaged: 2019-11-07 14:47:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17962580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chappedlipsfingertips/pseuds/chappedlipsfingertips
Summary: Serena Joy's attempt at self-reconciliation in the moments after the season 2 finale. One-shot.





	Faithful and Just

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers for 2x13 "The Word" as well as using inspiration from the quick image in the season 3 trailer that premiered in February 2019.

This hurts worse than the gunshot did.

 

At least that had the shock and the flurry of everyone around them ducking for cover so that she could only try and focus on one thing and her brain chose processing the situation rather than the gaping hole in her midsection. She didn’t even feel anything until after the surgery, and even then, she was pumped full of painkillers so that the pain was present, but not urgent. Not problematic, but annoying.

 

This is searing, all-consuming.

 

Serena can barely see through her tears as she stands in the garden, lit by the flashing lights and the dull glow of the fire down the street. She feels emptier than she’s ever felt, but the mantra has been repeating quietly now for weeks.

 

_And for what?_

 

She sacrificed everything for all of this. She sacrificed everything just to watch the true mother of her daughter breastfeed the baby — something Serena had always dreamed of, after watching her mother tenderly feed her younger brother, whom her parents had doted on for most of her childhood. Serena, who was about seven at the time, had locked herself away in her bedroom and held baby dolls against her chest, switching them out as she tried to mimic the action in hopes that she’d feel the peace she had seen on her mother’s face.

 

The peace she’d seen on Offred’s face the night Eden died.

 

She let Offred do it though, because it was good for Nichole.

 

And this was good for Nichole too, right?

 

Serena thinks of Solomon, and how giving Offred the baby was the only thing she could have done in the eyes of God. But why was she empty handed now?

 

Serena recites the scripture that she can remember as she crosses the yard to the house.

 

“Then the king answered and said, Give her the living child, and in no wise slay it: she is the mother thereof.”

 

The numbness starts to set in, though the pain deep in her chest remains present.

 

Rita is at the bottom of the stairs, and Serena makes eye contact with her for a moment, not caring that her eyes are glassy. Rita looks stoic, the muscles in her jaw are tense. Serena decides to not read into it. It doesn’t matter if Rita knows that Nichole is gone. She’ll know soon enough.

 

Serena wordlessly goes up the stairs to her bedroom. She can hear Fred yelling upstairs, presumably discovering that Nichole is not in her bassinet.

 

He’s only mad because his property was stolen. Since her birth, Fred has been talking about wanting another handmaid. A son.

 

Serena digs through her drawer in her nightstand as she hears the quiet rumbling of Nick’s voice upstairs. She wonders briefly if Nick has felt the fatherly pull that Fred was supposed to feel.

It doesn’t matter.

 

Serena finds what she’s looking for and doesn’t even bother to close the drawer as she normally would.

 

She gave up cigarettes, but the lighter was kept hidden in defiance to Lydia.

 

Serena holds the cold metal lighter in her hand, and then flicks open the top.

 

She immediately gasps, not realizing that holding the lighter required use of her pinky finger before, and the lid hits where she is still recovering from the loss. The pain stamps out the one in her chest, but only for a second before it comes back, somehow worse than before.

 

_Fuck all of this_.

 

She stares at the bed, thinks of all the times she prayed for God’s mercy while her husband fucked another woman and enjoyed it. She made eye contact with him only the first time, until she saw the way his jaw muscles jumped like they used to when they had sex. She started closing her eyes after that.

 

She flicks her thumb on the lighter and watches the flame for a moment, while in her peripherals, the orange glow of the house fire across the street fails to cease.

 

Her voice comes in strong, and it’s clear to her that she’s stopped crying by the way it doesn’t shake.

 

“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

 

She holds the lighter against the comforter and then drops it once the flame starts.

 

She watches as the glow inside builds, stamping out everything outside. The white comforter turns black as the flame spreads. The ceremony becomes ash.


End file.
